What they say and what they mean: Salespeople.
“No of course you don’t look fat, it fits you perfectly!”
You actually look like a stuffed sausage, and I give those seams 10 minutes before they spontaneously combust.
“Those colors are simply perfect on you. Our make-up gives you a whole new look. Tres chic!”
Yes if you like the electric blue eyeshadow, with shiny ruby red lips look. We secretly call it Mademoiselle de Cheap Hooker.
“Don’t worry, it’s got a 30 day warranty. You can always bring it back if you are not happy.”
Bring the original box in perfect condition, (and don’t you dare lose one bit of styrofoam, plastic bags or twist ties.) Keep in mind we’re going to hassle you relentlessly until you keep the damn thing. We’re good that way!
“Free printer with new computer purchase.”
However we don’t include printer cables or ink jets, (which actually cost more than the printer.) Hey you tool, do you think free means free? Like we’re going to lose on this deal? As if!
“Trust me”
Run for your freaking life.
I make it a habit of shutting them up even before they can end their “can I help you?” sentence, telling them to F* off and let me roam thru the store in peace…
I went through that printer with your computer thing a couple of years ago. I had just bought a new printer two months prior to buying this PC, and I told the sales clerk that I didn’t need a printer, thankyouverymuch. He spent five minutes trying to talk me into a printer, and I finally said something to the effect of, “why the hell would I get a new printer when I just bought one?” OK, that’s exactly what I said. Anyway, he got my message.
the printer thing pisses me off. we hardly use our printer and we had to buy not one, but two, this year because they’re pieces of crap. and I’m talking HP and Canon…wtf?
That’s all scary stuff. Another one is, “We call them window treatments.” Meaning, we are going to rape you and take all your money for a friggin’ window shade.
Oh, I have one…
“Your car will be ready in three days”
Translation: “We have a deal with the rental car company, and you’ll get your car whenever the hell we feel like giving it back to you”
I love how everything is packaged now in those plastic vaults you can’t open without damaging whatever’s inside. Hi, I’d like to return this pile of broken plastic… :/
I never could figure out why printers don’t come with cables. How the fuck are you supposed to use them otherwise? PFM? IThat’s Pure Fucking Magic for the uninitiated).
Of course, in college I did a stint selling clothes. The Wife saw me in action one day. I was telling the customer everything I thought he wanted to hear to get him to buy the outfit. I was shameless. And of course, I got the sale.
I got the free computer too. It doesn’t do anything. But next sunmmer, I i am going to set it up as a sprinkler on my lawn.
I really love these!! You are so clever and so damn funny. Not to mention ultra beautiful and ultra chic!!
Then of course there’s, “If you decide to purchase this later it’ll cost you your firstborn…but it’s FREE right now!”
When I go get takeout, no matter what city, no matter how busy, no matter how long it actually takes — why do they always tell me “Ten minutes”?
Feeling a bit cynical today? hehe I don’t mind not getting a printer cable, why buy one every time you get a new printer when the old one will work fine. It saves on cost but what i hate is when they try to sell you the $20 cable they carry when you can go to Big Lots and get one for $8.
I totally agree. “Customer service” means I won’t take your phone calls, I’ll lie relentlessly to you, I will stall, and try to make you feel guilty for it. Don’t even get my started on my little ordeal with the flooring contractor – going on 8 months now of pure customer service hell.
I’ve worked in Sales, so believe you me, I know all the marketing ploys to pull. The one that comes to mind the most is, “…but if you sign up for a _______ Card today, you’ll save an extra 15% and on top of the 25% off sale we’re having today, it’s almost practically free!” Suckers…
P.S. Happy Belated Birthday Lisa!
Ugh. I havent shopped in a store where a sales clerk had been on me in quite sometime now. I dont know if they got the hint or I did and just stopped going to those types of stores. Either way, I’m satisfied.:)
Sounds like telemarketers.
When I got my digital camera, the kid tried selling me everything under the sun, and asking if I was *sure* that was the camera I wanted. I looked at him, and told him “I’ve already researched it, this is what I want, and this is all i want at the moment.” That worked quite well, I must say
What the pizza guy is really saying:
“Yeah, thanks” … for not tipping.
“Are you sure you want to tip this much?” I love you. I love you. I love you.
The one I don’t trust is when sales people at the cosmetics counter try to convince me that the man in my life will just love it if my lips are suffocated in that slippery, slimey, latex-y gloss.
No man I’ve EVER known wants to come in contact with that stuff!
And since I work retail, don’t forget “20% off one cd with coupon.” Guess what? The thing is alreaady on sale for 20% off and you don’t get 20% EXTRA off! Dammit!