For Fuzz , Mal Snay and Kat – by request…
Back in my grammar school days, my best friend’s mother used to read romance novels. Everything from Harlequin novels, to what they used to call “bodice rippers.”
All the men on the book covers looked like Fabio.
This was the era before Fabio, so either he found his niche or it found him. The men always showed their presumably heaving bare chests.
My friend and I of course stole borrowed the books. We were quite young and this was our introduction to sex. Heaven help us!
One book I still remember was called “Love’s Tender Fury.” Lawdy, lawdy! That book was HOT!!! My friend and I still joke today about one particular line:
“His throbbing manhood.”
Apparently it throbbed a lot because that description was used constantly. Quite the tumescent character our hero was! So essentially this guy was walking around with a perpetual boner. I always thought it was funny that they described it like it was a separate person.
“There he was in all his glory, him and his throbbing manhood.”
Like it was a sock puppet or something.
Of course all this was happening in between wooing the reluctant woman and fighting off the bad guys for her virtue. Because he really loved her despite the fact: he bought at her at a slave auction/won her in a poker game/saved her from a pirate abduction. Or something like that. She was of course an unsullied woman who never knew the joys of sex until she met her man.
True love! Swoon…
As for the lusty wench, the hero, and his throbbing manhood?
They all lived happily ever after…
Walt Disney must be doing backflips in his grave.
This post doesn’ talk about your boobs at all. I’m very disappointed.
I always wondered about those books. Where in the heck did they find all those virtuous women? I need to use the throbbing sock puppet of love in a post if you would let me steal the line.
I’m now picturing the throbbing manhood doing the “Mehna Mehna” song and dance from The Muppets.
I’m laughing so hard at that visual that I may never be able to have sex again.
I am definantly going to have to steal the line, ‘Throbbing sock puppet of love.’
*sigh* If only life could really be like that… although looking like Fabio is not a pro *sigh*
OmG!! Love’s Tender Fury I’ve read and re-read a billion times. it was hot cuz it was written by a Gay man: Tom Huff. I’ve read a lot of his other stuff but none of it compares to Love’s Tender Fury.
That should come back out in paperback. That book is legend. You can probably get it on half.com
I like to think that old Walt Disney with his vivid imagination probably had a “secret collection” of Micky and Minnie cartoons that featured “throbbing mousehoods” and a very lusty Minnie. hehe
my mom used to read those cheesy things. she and my grandma. they would trade them around. i come from a very literary family as you can tell.
lol! I used to read romance novels to learn about sex too! but that was a LONG time ago. like last year.
Mal Snay – You asked for a sex post, not for a post about my boobs. Too late
Fuzz – Steal away! I just want credit for it
GW – I laughed until I cried at your comment – too funny!
DutchBitch – Yep, Fabio doesn’t do it for me either. A happy ending would be good though.
Molly – I never knew it was written by a Gay Guy! That is so interesting – wow! No wonder it was throbbing so often
Se7en – LMAO! Probably
Cajun Boy – You mean “Love’s Tender Fury” is not artistic genius? Damn the bad luck
Dawn – That’s hilarious!
I remember that book! And I read them for the exact same purpose when I was a young (curious slut) lady , lol!
All of those type books were written the same way. Hot guy meets hot girl. All through the story they act like they hate each other, then at the end they fall gasping and sweating all over each others half-nekkid, rain drenched bodies. Between his “throbbing manhood” and her “heaving breasts”… or was it that his “throbbing manhood” was in between her “heaving breasts”… Oh, I don’t know.. now I’ll have to go re-read one to see! Darn it!
I always wondered what I was missing by not reading those books. I read Nancy Drew mysteries instead. No sex in them at all. I had a very limited education.
I totally remember those types of romance novels! I never read one though. Isn’t Danielle Steele and V.C. Andrews just watered down versions of these types of books? Say the Fabio stuff was hard core porn. Steele and Andrews would be like say, Cinemax and Showtime.:)
Obviously these guys used too much Viagra. Aren’t you supposed to see the doctor if your manhood throbs for more than 4 hours? That’s what all the commercials say, anyway.
She swooned at his tumescence….
“Throbbing sock puppet of love” Oh. My. God!!! I’m afraid that I’m with Golfwidow n that one — would it be wrong to point, laugh and describe “it” as such? I have a feeling that it might curtail any future adventures …
but ohmygod FUNNY!!!!
LMAO with the folks who’ll never get “Like it was a sock puppet or something,” out of my head! I’ve never read a romance novel. We had to read Candy to learn about sex. *sigh*
Worst one I ever read: “She was like a mare coming into her first season, and he would have to be a strong stallion indeed to meet her needs.”
Amazing how the crap writing sticks with us, huh?
OMG! I swear I just snorted my tea all of my keyboard! This is the funniest post EVER. Do you stil have a copy of that book? It sounds like a fun evenings read!
Ah, the power of smut-lit. But beware: overdose of smut-lit may lead to unrealistic expectations of “members” and various other sexual components in reality.
Seriously… you’d think by these books that all it takes to *please* a lady is a smoldering look! LOL
Must admit I read a few of these novels too. “Throbbing Manhood” & “Heaving Breast” I remember those descriptions.
Steamy post!
Carolyn – Curious yes, slut no way!
Schnoodlepooh – Apparently they are still available in print should you want to buy one now
Janet – Maybe. Not a big fan of D.S.’s sex scenes.
Vince – LMAO! I think it’s more the writer’s personal fantasy
Hoss – Sounds kinda clinical to me lol.
Kathryn – Somehow I knew you would appreciate it! And thanks
SophMom – What’s “Candy?” Spelling?
Julie – No kidding! “It was a dark and stormy night…”
Deni – Thanks! Sorry I can’t lend you my copy, I’m still reading it
Oob – I love that, “smut-lit!” Freakin’ hilarious!
Sharon – Apparently many of us remember the heaving and throbbing
Throbbing manhood isn’t as appealing when it’s throbbing, the baby is crying, the sink is dripping, and you haven’t slept in 2 days. Throbbing manhood meets Miss Rosy Palm!
Don’t you love how the heroines in “smut-lit” are always so feisty and proud? Well, until they’re tamed by the tumescence.
My one gripe is that the Fabio-like heroes always have bigger heaving chests than mine…
Strange.. I don’t remember either my mother or my sister ever reading those books. We had a lot of James Mitchner and the like in our house when we were growing up.
Lisa, I never read one of these books (I learned all about sex from my parents’ bookcase in their bedroom — “Joy of Sex,” “The Hite Report,” etc.) but ya just gotta love a story filled with such lust and primal attraction.
Here’s a thought — women’s expectations of love and lust from reading smut-lit are just as skewed as men’s expectations from porn. Waddya think?
Yet I have to admit, giving in to tumescence sounds pretty darn good on those long, lonely nights. And what guy wouldn’t want to have a woman acknowledge his throbbing manhood? My breasts are heaving at the very thought …
Those books were banned from the local women’s prison. Because it made them too horny. Or something.
LOL. That is too funny. They still make these books don’t they? The trashy love novels. Yes, throbbing manhood. I think that it was really men who wrote those books or else I know a lot of guys who read them.
Throbbing sock puppets. I’ll never be able to look at sock puppets the same way again…..
Yeah. How in the hell am I going to look at Lambchop now, Lisa?
Mmm.. throbbing manhoods. My heaving bosoms make quite a match for them.
Fabio! (LMAO)!!!
And then David Amulet responded, “No man would ever think to write ‘throbbing manhood.’ We much prefer the euphemism ‘pulsating masculinity’.”
– david
Nat – Bummer for the throbber!
Annie – I forgot about the feisty and proud thing! Very true.
And LMAO @ Tamed by the tumescence!
Bruce – You missed out
Kat – My viewpoint is probably skewed but I’m not giving up on it
D-Man – I bet!
Leave – Guys read them??? Wow! I had no idea
Restless Angel – Sawwwy!
Faith – Oh no, did I ruin your childhood memories??? Oops
LOL @ your heaving bosoms!
Michael – Tee hee!
David – Maybe Gay men prefer “throbbing manhood?” Hmmm. Anyone?
This is hilarious! I have never read one before, but now I have to. Question – why do the covers have heaving female cleavages as well, if they are supposed to be for women. Not that I’m complaining…
I always loved bodice rippers, and now I love writing them.
I learned about sex in a very similar manner. I can laugh about it now…but I wonder if it didn’t screw us up just a tinybit?
See why I have such silly notions about love and romance. It was all Fabio’s fault.
I never really liked Fabio that much….but i know the books you are talking about. I have always been addicted to books. When i was 15 I somehow got the subscription to those books. Once a month i would get a new one read it…..run to the library and donate the book so that my mom wouldnt know.
That was me on the cover of that book. My manhood is always throbbing, Are you supposed to put Viagra in your breakfast cereal?
JUst stopped by to say “Hello” , Lisa!
I’ve got something for you here:
http://www.misscellania.com/miss-cellania/2006/9/16/romance-novels.html