Like many other little girls, I had a Barbie doll.

She was of course blonde with those unnatural, scary measurements.

Designed by a man I’m sure. Why are so many of my childhood memories dictated by clueless men? Another post for another time. Anyway, I never had a Ken, I thought he was a total wuss. He either had that bad hair

or the bristly mustache that looked like Mark Spitz.

My Barbie was very evolved. She was usually “Spy” Barbie or “Adventure Gal” Barbie. And OF COURSE she had fabulous clothes. That was the best part!

Barbie got kidnapped one time by an evil creature my german shepherd and had a close call. She was rescued from the jowls of death thanks Dad in the knick of time. Another time she was on a mission to save the world and went missing the creepy boy next door stole her but found her way back his father made the little wanker return her to safety. My Barbie had a fascinating life.

Many years later I was hired to work on a series of Barbie commercials. I was thrilled! This was going to be fun. I remember one of the commercials was “Bath Bead” Barbie. You put colored beads in the bath water and it was suddenly a bubble bath. The crew were uncharitably calling her “Suppository” Barbie. What can I say? We’re an evil bunch.

The Barbie “handlers,” the folks from Mattel who were responsible for Barbie always looking fabulous on camera, took their job very seriously. We often had to wait hours for Barbie to be primped. I remember thinking the LIVE talent didn’t take THAT long! In addition to the Mattel folks we had the advertising agency on the stage as well. The Director was doing his thing and one of the agency guys kept coming up with GREAT his word additional ways to shoot Barbie. FYI, commercials are carefully storyboarded in advance and every shot is discussed ad nauseum in order to hopefully prevent these kinds of situations. It is very expensive to make commercials. Any changes can substantially add to the existing budget. Thus, major changes are not appreciated. Anyway, the agency guy kept suggesting this and that. The director gritted his teeth but did his best to go along with it. Then the Mattel people started getting in the act. They also had FUN oy suggestions. Finally it all came to a head.

One of the Mattel folks said for the 5th time, “Can Barbie do THIS?”

The director said “NO SHE CAN’T.”

“Why?” said the Mattel guy in a pouty tone of voice.

“Because you didn’t DESIGN her that way, Barbie doesn’t BEND that way. Now can we PLEASE do the shots we storyboarded and get on with this already?”

The crew were all giggling behind their hands.

Barbie always did bring a lot of pleasure into my life.

Gah! Can you imagine? At least there would be lifetime job security.

Nicole Ritchie’s cook.

Talk about the most frustrating job in the world! Plenty of great leftovers though I’m sure.

Melanie Griffith’s plastic surgeon

If she looks this bad now, imagine her in another 10 years. Now there is an exercise in futility!

Picking out Mother’s/Father’s day cards for Lindsay Lohan

I’m not sure Hallmark covers the “Thank you for being the celebrity user Mom from Hell” or “Thanks for the great example you set trying to extort me and the rest of the family” cards.

Naomi Campbell’s employee in any way shape or form

Even thought I would get rich from the lawsuit, I still have no desire to have airbound flying objects coming my direction.

Let’s hear a few of yours!

“I’m thrilled to be performing for your audience on Christmas Day.”

Yea, I love getting up at 4 a.m. for hair and make-up on freaking Christmas to sing for a bunch of losers who will actually be watching morning tv. The things I do for my career. F*ck! My publicist is FIRED.

“I’m not anorexic, I’m just naturally skinny.”

I never eat, and get my vitamins from expensive champagne and heroin. Oh and my trainer gives me supplements. Don’t I look fabulous as a size 0 though?!”

“I’m so happy for my co-star. We were all just one big happy family on the set.”

That no-name bitch upstaged me! And she is getting all the award nominations? Screw that! I’ll show her by singing MY song on tv. She can just sit there with the group and applaud me while I look beautiful.

“I apologize for my inappropriate behavior, and deeply regret my actions.”

Actually I’m just sorry I got caught. And now I have to grovel to all those jerks. Endlessly. I wonder if rehab will make all this go away? Sure it will, then everyone will forget. That’s the ticket!

Mel Gibson was the first celebrity I ever worked with. He was gorgeous, nice, unassuming, funny and professional. I adored him. He was very charming and could not have been more gracious. I have a framed picture of the two of us which has sat in a prominent place for many years.

When the backlash from “The Passion of The Christ” began I didn’t want to believe it. Despite the fact his father spews all sorts of repulsive sentiments like the Holocaust never happened, I didn’t want to believe that Mel was THAT type of person. I defended him. Repeatedly. And now all this. Which I can’t ignore. I don’t buy it was drunken ramblings, I think when people get drunk they share their true feelings. The filters are gone so to speak.

So I am putting your picture away, Mel. And I’m sad. But I just cannot bury my head in the sand anymore. I almost feel sorry about the shitstorm you have started and what it’s going to do to you. Almost.

Thanks for the memories.

She was of course blonde with those unnatural, scary measurements.

Designed by a man I’m sure. Why are so many of my childhood memories dictated by clueless men? Another post for another time. Anyway, I never had a Ken, I thought he was a total wuss. He either had that bad hair

or the bristly mustache that looked like Mark Spitz.

My Barbie was very evolved. She was usually “Spy” Barbie or “Adventure Gal” Barbie. And OF COURSE she had fabulous clothes. That was the best part!

Barbie got kidnapped one time by an evil creature my german shepherd and had a close call. She was rescued from the jowls of death thanks Dad in the knick of time. Another time she was on a mission to save the world and went missing the creepy boy next door stole her but found her way back his father made the little wanker return her to safety. My Barbie had a fascinating life.

Many years later I was hired to work on a series of Barbie commercials. I was thrilled! This was going to be fun. I remember one of the commercials was “Bath Bead” Barbie. You put colored beads in the bath water and it was suddenly a bubble bath. The crew were uncharitably calling her “Suppository” Barbie. What can I say? We’re an evil bunch.

The Barbie “handlers,” the folks from Mattel who were responsible for Barbie always looking fabulous on camera, took their job very seriously. We often had to wait hours for Barbie to be primped. I remember thinking the LIVE talent didn’t take THAT long! In addition to the Mattel folks we had the advertising agency on the stage as well. The Director was doing his thing and one of the agency guys kept coming up with GREAT his word additional ways to shoot Barbie. FYI, commercials are carefully storyboarded in advance and every shot is discussed ad nauseum in order to hopefully prevent these kinds of situations. It is very expensive to make commercials. Any changes can substantially add to the existing budget. Thus, major changes are not appreciated. Anyway, the agency guy kept suggesting this and that. The director gritted his teeth but did his best to go along with it. Then the Mattel people started getting in the act. They also had FUN oy suggestions. Finally it all came to a head.

One of the Mattel folks said for the 5th time, “Can Barbie do THIS?”

The director said “NO SHE CAN’T.”

“Why?” said the Mattel guy in a pouty tone of voice.

“Because you didn’t DESIGN her that way, Barbie doesn’t BEND that way. Now can we PLEASE do the shots we storyboarded and get on with this already?”

The crew were all giggling behind their hands.

Barbie always did bring a lot of pleasure into my life.

“I’m just happy to be nominated.”

I’m going to crawl over ground glass to make sure that no-talent skank doesn’t beat me for the Oscar.

“I’m young and I just like to have fun.”

I sleep with everything that walks, and there is no substance I won’t swallow, sniff or shoot up.

“Of course I haven’t had any plastic surgery. I don’t believe in that.”

There is not one part of my body that has not been rebuilt.

“I’m a natural blonde.”

If natural means 4 hours in the hair colorist du jour’s chair every two weeks.

“I am monogamous by nature. I’m a one woman type of guy.”

My publicist wrote that shit – want to join me later for a threesome?