Will you see on the exact same day…

Brad Pitt

AND

Ron Jeremy.

From the sublime to the ridiculous.

Be back next week!

What they say and what they mean: The Job Boards

Quick learner

Stupid need not apply. We already have the boss’s son in that position.

Highly motivated

We’re going to work you until you drop. Sweatshop labor is better paid.

Coordinate meal orders

Your the yutz who gets to go to Taco Bell. Daily. And Starbucks. Hourly.

Able to work under pressure

Your boss is going to be a meth fueled, screaming, lunatic.

Great attitude

You won’t bitch excessively when we send you to hook up with our dealer. And pick up our dry cleaning afterwards.

You will offer support to all office personnel

We will pass you around like a cheap ho.

Long term possibility

Be our slave and then we might consider it. Eventually.

This is a job where you can learn and grow

We’ll treat you like a freaking moron till we break you down. THINK CULT. Then you’ll be our creature. Bwahahahaha!

A while back I worked on a Hollywood film shot on location. The movie featured many up and coming actors who hoped it would be their big break. Among them was a REALLY FAMOUS SOAP STAR who was on every magazine cover, talk show and entertainment segment. There was also the IT GIRL, the AGING CHARACTER ACTOR and the NEW KID. An interesting bunch of people. IT GIRL had a boyfriend who was a PRETTY BOY SINGING SOAP STAR with many devoted fans. IT GIRL was a lovely woman who was extremely popular on the set. One day she bounced into the office.

“Lisa, I’m so excited! My boyfriend is coming to town to visit me!” IT GIRL has a big smile lighting up her face.”

“That is GREAT, IT GIRL, I’m so happy for you! Is he in the business like you?”

IT GIRL beams, “He stars on UNNAMED SOAP OPERA and his name is PRETTY BOY SINGING SOAP STAR.”

“Very nice,” I say. “I have watched that soap on and off since college. And he is so cute, you are a lucky girl.”

IT GIRL gets an even bigger smile on her face, “I can’t wait for you to meet him, he is coming in on Friday for the weekend.”

“I look forward to that. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.”

“Thanks Lisa!” IT GIRL hugs me and leaves.

This will be fun. I’ve watched PBSSS on TV and he is adorable. Friday rolls around and I have arranged for him to be picked up at the airport. The plan is IT GIRL will bring him by the office to introduce us. Works for me! The teamster calls and said the two of them are coming upstairs. IT GIRL walks in the room. By herself.

“IT GIRL, did PBSSS arrive safely?” Obviously I know he did but have to play the game.

IT GIRL looks sheepish. “Yes he did thanks but he is kind of tired and you guys will meet another time ok?”

“No problem. I hope you have a good time.”

At that moment I see PRETTY BOY SINGING SOAP STAR peeking in the window, lurking in the hallway. Forget the fact that I arranged his transportation and hotel room. I also made sure there were a few extra amenities thrown in. He can’t be bothered to say hello. Whatever.

The next day IT GIRL shows up with PBSSS in tow. He is barely polite and makes no effort to be pleasant. IT GIRL is obviously embarassed by his behavior. She keeps trying to include him in the conversation by asking him direct questions, (and giving him an occasional pleading glance,) and he responds with two word grunts. Whatever.

IT GIRL has to go back to the set and PBSSS decides to stay at the hotel. Later that day, REALLY FAMOUS SOAP STAR comes in the office laughing. He is an incredibly down to earth, nice guy and I adore him. He is in his usual “uniform” of baseball cap, shades and goatee, making him virtually unrecognizable.

“You will never believe what just happened,” says REALLY FAMOUS SOAP STAR.

“WHAT???”

“Did you know PRETTY BOY SINGING SOAP STAR is in town? The guy from the other soap?”

My mouth curls up a bit, “Yes, I know.”

“Well he just got recognized. BIG TIME,” smirked RFSS.

“Oh my God, what happened?”

At this point I’m wondering if I need to call security. I may not like PBSSS, but he is the star’s boyfriend and this is my part of my job. I also remember there is a weekend convention at our hotel.

“You know that convention they were expecting?”

“Yes”

“It’s a convention of high school cheerleaders. They ALL recognized PRETTY BOY SINGING SOAP STAR and started chasing him down the hall screaming his name. Last time I saw him, he was running for his room!”

We look at each other and laugh hysterically. Five minutes later I am still giggling as I reach for the phone. “Hello, security?”

That image of PBSSS will stay with me til my dying day.

Whatever.

A while back I was hired to work on a low budget film. It was some European straight-to-cable piece of crap but it was being shot in a great location. Thus I signed on. The work was boring, but the crew and the host city were awesome. I was having a really good time when the producers suddenly threw a monkey wrench into the situation. The script had changed and we were now going to film a few scenes in a penitentiary. Not just any prison, but an extremely notorious one that had a significant history of brutality and violence. I was less than thrilled to say the least. We were then informed we would be simulating reality by filming on Death Row. Which by the way was a working one, with convicted male killers waiting their stays of executions. I wanted to leave the show but felt an obligation to stay.

I made a deal with one of pals, a very large and tough sound guy, that he would protect me if needed. Or at the very least I could hide behind him.

Our van pulled up to the prison and we were all frisked and x-ray’d. There was a sign that informed us we were entering at our own risk. Translation: if there was a riot, the guards were not going to come and get us out. The crew got very quiet. As I was only one of two women, that information especially did not make me happy.

We were then escorted to Death Row. There was a chalkboard with a list of all the prisoners, their crimes, and the status of their appeals. I recognized a few of the names.

The lead actor, who was playing a priest, was told not to walk too close to the bars as he could get hurt very badly. We all knew what that meant. The rest of us stood in the back of the room. The inmates all had small hand mirrors and were watching us. The scene began, the actor walked silently down the cell block, when suddenly I heard chanting and hissing but could not understand what was being said. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. There was a foul aura and I instinctively knew what it was… I was surrounded by pure evil. It was almost like a cloud of noxious gas filled the room. I felt like I was choking.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN AS SCARED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I have no idea of how long we were inside but it felt like days. I could not wait to get out of there!

I had nightmares for years after that experience.

Recently I told a friend the story. He is quite psychic and tried to help me understand what had happened.

He said, “maybe it wasn’t evil you felt but desperation?”

I said adamantly, “NO, IT WAS EVIL.”

I was shocked at how firm I was. But I never forgot how I felt in that place. And being surrounded by that much malevolent energy, I almost felt like I was being taken away to some really scary place. I’m not a religious person but I understand what people mean now.

Evil truly does exist.

Guess I’ve been called worse.

Who dubbed me Podcrapular you ask? Why two of my favorite “showbiz” bloggers, of course. Andy Martello is a professional comedian who also happens to juggle, spin plates, and eat fire. How many people can you say that about??? And the lovely Golfwidow is one of the funniest writers ever, who coincidentally just wrote a fabulous book. Check them out, they definitely have much more talent than the average penguin bear!

Thanks guys, I’m so flattered! Sorta, kinda anyway.

Click on my cool award below to listen to their witty and absolutely hilarious podcast! (It’s the Arthur Treacher – 4/1/07 one. Just hit “download.”) Oh and Ally da Pup and I both got a mention on their show… %$#@!



Updated: Unfortunately Andy has had a really rough couple of days. Please send him some extra special blog love…

Behave your fine selves and I’ll see you all soon!

Their men’s grooming products of course.

Reprinted Courtesy of the AP:

“Lancome chose Owen, who stars in Universal’s “Children of Men,” not because of his tall, dark and handsome look but because of his talent and work ethic, said Odile Roujol, general manager of Lancome International.

“The way he has built his career so far, privileging the quality of the director rather than the high-profile nature of a role, makes us feel very confident in the fact that if he chose to accept this collaboration with Lancome, then it truly means our partnership was meant to be,” Roujol said Tuesday in a statement.”

All very well and good, but if they chose Clive Owen based on his career choices, and not for his stunning good looks, then why didn’t they choose him?

That’s what I thought.

Not so much.

Hmmmm.

Well, I’m insanely busy at work so I won’t be around as much. I’ll miss you guys terribly, but I do have a preference for living in my New York apartment versus a cardboard box.

I watched a really good chick flick the other night on HBO called “In Her Shoes.”

Yesterday I got caught in the rain going to work, and subsequently walked around all day with my hair looking like Pam Grier. Which was fine except it’s not 1970something. And I didn’t look near as hot as she did.

Speaking of Pam, did anyone see the outfit Michael made for her on Project Runway? The pink hot pants? Very nice! I’m liking the winner to be Michael, Kayne or Uli.

Catch ya on the flip side.

Lisa B. sitting in a huge auditorium, surrounded by a bunch of jaded, know-it-all college freshmen her peers.

In my very first film class on my very first day, the professor said, “if you ever want to watch a movie for pure enjoyment again, LEAVE NOW.”

We laughed but boy was he was right. I analyze films to death….. how did the assistant director deal with those humongous crowds of extras? Who did the cheesy special effects? What was the aging former 70’s hearthrob the hairdresser THINKING with that toupe? I wonder if UNNAMED MOVIE STAR is still as big a yutz as he was when I worked with him? Was there actually a script in the making of that movie? How much time did it actually take to light “I didn’t know they were shooting me THERE” Sharon Stone’s privates in Basic Instinct?

Did you know the knife never once touched Janet Leigh in the shower scene in Psycho? if you watch it frame by frame, (which we did, numerous times,) you will see that Anthony Perkins aka Norman Bates never touched her. Hitchcock was such a master of editing it only APPEARED that way. That scene still scares the bejesus out of me all the same.

The Graduate was one of the most creative and original movies ever made. WAY ahead of it’s time. Mike Nichols is a genius. Nuff said.

Shooting a stupid student film vampire movie with a 5 to 1 film ratio was probably not the world’s best idea. Unless of course you had an unlimited budget or extremely wealthy parents.

The majority of my professors desperately wanted to be famous. Few achieved that goal.

Most of my graduating class never did no longer work in the business.

There was, (and probably still is,) an unspoken war between the theater and film departments. They were the pretentious English spelling on purpose THEATRE actors who studied Shakespeare and Ibsen, who thought we were a bunch of ignorant, sell-out hacks. We secretly laughed, knowing one day payback is a bitch they would come begging us for jobs when their Off-Broadway paychecks wouldn’t keep them in franks and beans in the style in which they wished to become accustomed.

EVERYBODY wants to be in show business.

Cut to: Lisa B on a film set, (modern day):

And when a film gets it right, despite all the behind the scenes bullshit turmoil, it’s just MAGIC. I was excited the first day I realized I wanted to be a part of this amazing world, and that has never changed. I work in Showbiz, how cool is that?!

As much as I bitch complain about it, it’s still a GREAT gig.

Fade to Black.

Mel Gibson was the first celebrity I ever worked with. He was gorgeous, nice, unassuming, funny and professional. I adored him. He was very charming and could not have been more gracious. I have a framed picture of the two of us which has sat in a prominent place for many years.

When the backlash from “The Passion of The Christ” began I didn’t want to believe it. Despite the fact his father spews all sorts of repulsive sentiments like the Holocaust never happened, I didn’t want to believe that Mel was THAT type of person. I defended him. Repeatedly. And now all this. Which I can’t ignore. I don’t buy it was drunken ramblings, I think when people get drunk they share their true feelings. The filters are gone so to speak.

So I am putting your picture away, Mel. And I’m sad. But I just cannot bury my head in the sand anymore. I almost feel sorry about the shitstorm you have started and what it’s going to do to you. Almost.

Thanks for the memories.