“So Lisa B, what have you been doing during your rather ahem lengthy blog hiatus?”

“Thanks for asking oh-curious-unnamed-blogger! I suddenly looked up and months had gone by. How in the world did THAT happen???”

Anyway, here are a few of the highlights:

HCFG and I celebrated our one year anniversary. I truly can’t believe it, it’s almost hard for me to remember when he wasn’t a part of my life. And yes, we are still nauseatingly, blissfully, shmoopily happy.

We went to San Francisco on business and took an extra couple of days to celebrate. Lots of fun, but what’s with those darn hills everywhere?! Quite aerobic, anyway. We saw a couple of friends, including the lovely Kailyn. One of the highlights was a special anniversary supper at Boulevard. Quite chichi and absolutely delicious. We hung out all over the place including: Chinatown, North Beach, Union Square and San Jose. We were also complete tourists and went to Alcatraz. HCFG had been many years before with his son, but it was my first time. It’s quite something, all those old crumbling walls, along with the “to die for” view of San Francisco. The audio tour by the former inmates, guards, and families who used to live there was fascinating, and made it very easy to visualize what it was like back in the day. Next time we’re going to go on the presumably spooky as hell night tour!

We now have 8 bottles of SF’s most affordable finest wines sitting on my table. I had almost forgotten how much I like California wines! At the rate we drink we will still be enjoying them in time for next year’s trip.

We also went to Texas to celebrate our dear friend John’s birthday party. HCFG met the rest of my family, not to mention many of the Tea crowd. Of course everyone loved him and several of the older ladies whispered to me, “He’s so handsome!” I thought I was going to have to arm wrestle one of them cause she was definitely on the prowl. MEOW. One of the funnier moments was when I noticed all of my family was inside the house while all of John’s family was outside. I whispered to my Mom that it felt like “West Side Story.” MEOW IN STEREO. Hey, it’s me, remember? You know snarky remarks happen on my blog!

What else? Well, I got an iPhone. Which I love more than you should love any inanimate object. Best. Toy. Ever. All hail the mighty Apple!!!

Alrighty then.

I’m feeling creative again so you will probably be seeing a whole lot more of me ’round these parts. Hope to see you as well!

Me too.

Happy Holidays, my backside

I really appreciate that you are fixing the street to offer me better service – that’s very gracious of you! Especially in view of the fact that my electric bill went up 30% this summer. It’s so nice to know I’m getting something for my money. I just can’t begin to tell you how much I love about the way I love the smell of napalm in the morning a monopoly!

However, I really don’t enjoy sparks raining down on me nice Flashdance homage though as you slash ginormous pipes, not to mention potholes so large you could lose an entire family, filthy smelly gravel mixed with tar, and my personal favorite, eliminating most of the street parking for OVER A MONTH. Plus the fact that I see no signs of you leaving anytime soon is a bit disturbing. That takes the concept of “asphalt jungle” to a new level!

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. I look forward to resolving buh bye already this situation soon.

Kindest Regards,

Lisa B.

And now for something completely different!

Something new is coming to Lisa B in Da City later in the week. I hope you’ll have some big fun with it – I know I’m going to!

Stay tuned…

Like many other little girls, I had a Barbie doll.

She was of course blonde with those unnatural, scary measurements.

Designed by a man I’m sure. Why are so many of my childhood memories dictated by clueless men? Another post for another time. Anyway, I never had a Ken, I thought he was a total wuss. He either had that bad hair

or the bristly mustache that looked like Mark Spitz.

My Barbie was very evolved. She was usually “Spy” Barbie or “Adventure Gal” Barbie. And OF COURSE she had fabulous clothes. That was the best part!

Barbie got kidnapped one time by an evil creature my german shepherd and had a close call. She was rescued from the jowls of death thanks Dad in the knick of time. Another time she was on a mission to save the world and went missing the creepy boy next door stole her but found her way back his father made the little wanker return her to safety. My Barbie had a fascinating life.

Many years later I was hired to work on a series of Barbie commercials. I was thrilled! This was going to be fun. I remember one of the commercials was “Bath Bead” Barbie. You put colored beads in the bath water and it was suddenly a bubble bath. The crew were uncharitably calling her “Suppository” Barbie. What can I say? We’re an evil bunch.

The Barbie “handlers,” the folks from Mattel who were responsible for Barbie always looking fabulous on camera, took their job very seriously. We often had to wait hours for Barbie to be primped. I remember thinking the LIVE talent didn’t take THAT long! In addition to the Mattel folks we had the advertising agency on the stage as well. The Director was doing his thing and one of the agency guys kept coming up with GREAT his word additional ways to shoot Barbie. FYI, commercials are carefully storyboarded in advance and every shot is discussed ad nauseum in order to hopefully prevent these kinds of situations. It is very expensive to make commercials. Any changes can substantially add to the existing budget. Thus, major changes are not appreciated. Anyway, the agency guy kept suggesting this and that. The director gritted his teeth but did his best to go along with it. Then the Mattel people started getting in the act. They also had FUN oy suggestions. Finally it all came to a head.

One of the Mattel folks said for the 5th time, “Can Barbie do THIS?”

The director said “NO SHE CAN’T.”

“Why?” said the Mattel guy in a pouty tone of voice.

“Because you didn’t DESIGN her that way, Barbie doesn’t BEND that way. Now can we PLEASE do the shots we storyboarded and get on with this already?”

The crew were all giggling behind their hands.

Barbie always did bring a lot of pleasure into my life.

They remind me of a turkey who will literally drown drown in the rain, because it’s too dumb to close his mouth, (beak?)

I frequent various message boards and I am constantly amazed at the bonehead things that are posted. For example, “do you think being 200 pounds overweight affects my health?” Um, what part of DUH isn’t clear?

Please tell me some of your most annoying experiences with these people. And how do you deal respond?

A) Shake them until their teeth hurt

B) Suffer in silence

C) Tell them they are boneheads

D) Turn on PBS

E) Other (please explain)

WTF indeed. My piece of shit beloved server had a meltdown. A big one. I exchanged several polite but increasingly terse emails with them over the last few days. They told me they were sunbathing in Tahiti working on it.

Suffice to say I was pissed beyond belief not happy.

Anyway, that’s the story. I will post again soon.

Oh and one more thing?

I missed you guys!!!

I was walking down Second Avenue and I saw a woman surrounded by 5 or 6 of these guys. I didn’t know if she was in trouble or what so I turned around and stared. I belatedly realized she had locked herself out of her car and the guys were trying to help.

She was back in her car driving away within three minutes. The dudes were beaming.

It just goes to show when you need help, you just got to find the right guy(s) for the job.

Enter at your own risk.

Cause I am seriously pissed.

I’ve been attacked by the SHOULD people. Who in my opinion all need a good, old fashioned, Texas style, ass whupping.

A neighbor asked me about my workout regime. I told him. His response?

“You know 30 minutes of cardio really doesn’t do anything. You should be doing at least 45 minutes to get your heart rate up and actually burn any calories. What you’re doing is o.k. but you should be doing more.”

What I wished I had said:

“F*ck you, Mr. Sanctimonious Twit. I’m proud that I’m taking such good care of myself by working out religiously 5 days a week. I do cardio and weights, and all this with a sketchy knee. Plus I constantly up the speed and levels when it starts getting too easy. And frankly Miss Thang, you could stand a few more days at the gym yourself.”

A fellow dog owner asked me how often I walked the pup. I told her.

“You really shouldn’t spoil her like that. I see you guys outside all the time. Twice a day is more than enough. Dogs don’t need more than that.”

What I wished I had said:

“Your poor dog is always desperate to go whenever I see him. And what I do with MY dog is my business. If I choose to take her out 20 times a day then that is my choice. So why don’t you go take a flying leap off the George Washington Bridge (upper level).”

Walking around Canal Street, a vendor tugged on my arm while haranguing me:

“You should come in here! I’ve got the best stuff ever! All counterfeit Coach and Prada! You need to come in, Lady, NOW!

What I wished I said:

“Get your hand off my arm NOW. The only thing I need to do is pay taxes and die. I am the customer, you are the vendor, and I wouldn’t buy your cheap crap if you were the last store in New York. Get your f*cking hand off my arm before I backhand you to Cleveland.”

And to all the lovely SHOULD people, here’s a little something special just for you.

You get to watch made-for-tv movies like “A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story,” and the sequel, “Betty Broderick is Still Batshit Insane” on Lifetime.

You get to change your sheets four times in a week. Oh and wash your towels constantly.

You get to beg your dog walker to come over on a really bad day when you’re too sick to go out. And promise him you will have gallons of purell standing by.

You get to wash your hands every five minutes, and wipe down every surface you come in contact with Clorox Wipes.

You get to lose 7 pounds without really trying, (I’m actually happy about that one!)

You get to pout and feel way sorry for yourself when your period starts on top of everything else.

**********************************************************************************

Finally a bit of good news…. the meds/sleep/quarantine are working! I’m actually much better today. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My body feels like it’s been through the ringer though.

Oh and I got this from a new pal on Sunday…

*does a happy dance then falls down on the bed again*

I’ll be back to visit you guys soon! Thanks for understanding.

What are your best home remedies when you’re sick? What over the counter medicine always works for you? What are your comfort foods when you feel lousy? What else makes you feel better? Share, people, PLEASE!

Just don’t be telling me none of that “get well soon” malarkey. Cause that just makes me all grumpy and snarky and stuff. And if you do I’ll cough and sneeze all over you. BIG TIME!***

I’m not a happy camper.

UPDATE *** That paragraph was meant to be tongue in cheek, but obviously some folks are taking offense. I really do appreciate all your good wishes!